Jack’s Bad Movies: Godzilla vs Kong (2021)

The epic next chapter in the cinematic Monsterverse pits two of the greatest icons in motion picture history against each other–the fearsome Godzilla and the mighty Kong–with humanity caught in the balance. – IMDB

I saw Kong: Skull Island, but I did not see Godzilla or Godzilla: King of the Monsters (probably an honorary title). Hopefully my ignorance won’t ruin what I am sure is a perfectly orchestrated story. Kong wakes up on his island and does his morning exercises, talks to a deaf mute girl, and then throws a tree at the sky breaking through it. Apparently Kong is living in The Truman Show, and for some reason the humans have built a giant dome over an entire island. 

Godzilla then attacks some research facility. For what reason? We don’t know, but probably just out of spite. Like a bully would. Millie Bobby Brown’s character now goes on a side quest to figure out why Godzilla appears to be more of a monster on the inside than on the outside. 

Next, the evil CEO (Demián Bichir) convinces some random scientist that he is needed for a journey to the center of the earth. They are going to use some kind of tunnel that is in Antarctica. Said scientist, played by Alexander Skarsgård, doesn’t want to go, because his brother died trying to get there but he is then easily convinced to go (probably they agreed to fund his dig for another three years ala Jurassic Park) and to kidnap Kong as a guide. From what little I remember about the first Kong movie, Kong has never lived in the upside down hollow Earth, so my instinct is that he will be a terrible guide.

I don’t know what the Apex company produces that makes them the most powerful entity on the planet, but not only do they have giant worldwide facilities, anti-gravity vehicles, and underground transport tunnels that go all the way to Hong Kong, but they are also somehow able to commandeer US Aircraft carriers for their transportation of Kong to Antarctica. Godzilla attacks Kong (currently chained to the ship) and beats him down. Godzilla is the kind of bully who feels strong picking on a weaker opponent who is incapacitated. Eventually Godzilla leaves.

At this point I wouldn’t be surprised to learn this movie was directed by Michael Bay (it isn’t) because it basically plays out exactly like the first Transformers movie. Now we have a small team of people on a side mission who are completely forgettable but will show up at the end of the movie for the final battle and contribute some tiny amount to the victory. Informationally, this is Millie Bobby Brown’s team. 

The main team (aka “scientists”) follow Kong down a huge tunnel, a tunnel this all powerful company saw fit to line with concrete and lights apparently, with their special anti-gravity machines. They arrive in the hollow Earth. It is basically a larger version of Skull Island, with lots of giant monsters that attack each other constantly with no obvious ecology that could support such massive creatures. Kong finds an old throne room that his people made and a Godzilla-murdering axe. 

On the upside (not a positive affirmative, but rather the relative position on Earth) the evil corporation decided to make a robot Godzilla (Mechagodzilla, some call it) using the skull of what I can only assume is a vanquished opponent from a movie I didn’t see. Did it come from Skull Island? That sounds plausible to me, given the name, but I doubt it. Mechagodzilla is supposed to be controlled by an evil henchmen of the most powerful man on the planet, but the evil skull is able to take over and wants to fight the real Godzilla. Godzila comes to Hong Kong, somehow sensing the evil skull and then is distracted. Apparently it can sense that Kong is in the throne room immediately below the facility in Hong Kong and drills a hole down to the center of the Earth using his atomic breath. A bunch of people die but not the principal characters, and then Kong and team are able to ascend to the surface. What was the point of them going there?

Kong and Godzilla fight again, except Kong brought his trusty family heirloom murder axe, but it also proves inadequate.  Godzilla essentially bullies Kong to death, stopping his heart. Godzilla then turns towards the camera and says “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me!”. Or maybe I imagined that. Either way.

Now Mechagodzilla emerges and starts fighting Godzilla. Godzilla is losing. It turns out this intimidator is a weakling on the inside. The surviving scientists turn their anti-grav vehicle into a defibrillator. As we all know when you successfully revive someone with a defibrillator it also magically heals any previous wounds they have sustained while fighting, or at least allows them to proceed as if those injuries never happened. They are able to defibrillate Kong back to life.

At this point Godzilla has subjugated Kong enough that Kong decides to join his gang, and they now team up so they can bully the crap out of Mechagodzilla. Remember that other team we forgot about led by Millie? Well they show up and spill some alcohol on Mechagodzilla’s cpu or something that makes him drunk. The two monster tyrants now kill what I can only assume is just their latest in a long line of hapless victims. Kong and Godzilla decide they have done enough bullying for one day and part friends. Flash forward and Kong is now living in the upside down, possibly plotting how he can bully the inhabitants of a small town in Indiana.