Jack’s Bad Movies: Snake (2018)

Snake 2018

IMDB’s description: 

A biology teacher [trying] to save his ill daughter with a natural cure goes into the jungle with experts and finds a horror that’s larger than life

This movie opens during World War 2. A platoon of Japanese soldiers are exploring a jungle. Suddenly one of them comes flying out of the tree line. A giant snake (like something out of Harry Potter) emerges and commences to kill the platoon. 

Where Steven Spielberg learned less is more in Jaws and Jurassic Park when it comes to revealing the monsters. This movie goes the other route, revealing the big monster less than 1 minute into the film (a film that is only 79 total minutes in length). 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Indiana Jones Poster

IMDB’s description: 

In 1936, archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones is hired by the U.S. government to find the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis can obtain its awesome powers.

This movie opens with Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) and Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina) wandering through a jungle. Somehow they stumble upon a cave. A cave of wonders I suppose. How did these ancient people build a boobytrap that is activated by someone blocking the sunlight? How does that work at night? Who comes along and makes sure all these pressure plate arrows haven’t gone bad?

Moving on, there is a golden head which Indy thinks he is going to trade with a bag of sand. I’m pretty sure he’d need something like 8 times as much sand as the volume of that head. Regardless that doesn’t explain why the trap sinks down for lighter sand. Indy then attends the school of Prometheus in ‘How to Run Away From Things’ as he flees a boulder. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Black Adam (2022)

Black Adam

IMDB’s description:

Nearly 5,000 years after he was bestowed with the almighty powers of the Egyptian gods–and imprisoned just as quickly–Black Adam is freed from his earthly tomb, ready to unleash his unique form of justice on the modern world.

This movie. Maybe the movie wouldn’t have felt so long and boring if the trailer didn’t spoil most of the action scenes and if every DC movie didn’t feel like it was just rehashing what we’ve already seen in Marvel films. 

This place is Wakanda. The movie opens in the past in some generic Egypt but not Egypt looking place (Kahndaq). The king is forcing them to mine for some magic rock that only exists in this country. The goal is to create a magic crown. A young boy tries to start a revolution and is quickly captured. But then he is saved by Shazam and company and given what are essentially the same powers of Shazam/Captain Marvel. The boy becomes Dwayne Johnson. He kills the evil king and is entombed. 

This is just the trailer. Modern day, some characters are looking for the crown. They think it will help them free their city state which is being controlled by Superman’s enemies the Intergang. I don’t know why they think this demonic crown is going to be a positive for them. Adrianna Tomaz (Sarah Shahi) gets the crown and then is immediately betrayed by her friend who is secretly the head of Intergang.  She decides to recite something on a tomb and it frees Black Adam. He commences to do all the action scenes we already saw in the trailer. Black Adam is knocked out by a rocket or something. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies – Morbius (2022)


IMDB’s description: 

Biochemist Michael Morbius tries to cure himself of a rare blood disease, but he inadvertently infects himself with a form of vampirism instead.

The movie opens with Jared Leto flying to some random cave in the Jungle and luring a bunch of bats out of it. These bats will probably inspire him to wear a costume and put fear into the people and criminals of Gotham City, as the Joker. Oh, wrong franchise. 

Travel back in time to a young Michael and his new friend “Milo,” which is what the jaded Morbius calls everyone. Some kids pick on them because they are weak and live in a hospital. Kids can be so cruel. The weirdo hospital / orphanage? director sends Michael away to school and keeps Milo for himself. 

This rare blood disease is the worst kind, because Michael grows up to be Jared Leto. A man who can suck the life out of any franchise. Maybe he is sick, maybe he just has histoplasmosis from all the bat guano. Anyways, they kill a rat for sport, and then almost kill a little girl. After that the rat comes back to life, so I guess their evil experiment is a success. 

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