Jack’s Bad Movies – Morbius (2022)


IMDB’s description: 

Biochemist Michael Morbius tries to cure himself of a rare blood disease, but he inadvertently infects himself with a form of vampirism instead.

The movie opens with Jared Leto flying to some random cave in the Jungle and luring a bunch of bats out of it. These bats will probably inspire him to wear a costume and put fear into the people and criminals of Gotham City, as the Joker. Oh, wrong franchise. 

Travel back in time to a young Michael and his new friend “Milo,” which is what the jaded Morbius calls everyone. Some kids pick on them because they are weak and live in a hospital. Kids can be so cruel. The weirdo hospital / orphanage? director sends Michael away to school and keeps Milo for himself. 

This rare blood disease is the worst kind, because Michael grows up to be Jared Leto. A man who can suck the life out of any franchise. Maybe he is sick, maybe he just has histoplasmosis from all the bat guano. Anyways, they kill a rat for sport, and then almost kill a little girl. After that the rat comes back to life, so I guess their evil experiment is a success. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Johnny Mnemonic

IMDB’s description:

A data courier, literally carrying a data package inside his head, must deliver it before he dies from the burden or is killed by the Yakuza.

The year is 2021. There is a global pandemic. Called Covid…err NAS (nerve attenuation syndrome). I think this is a disease from using social media.

Johnny (Keanu Reeves) wakes up with a prostitute. She leaves to get ice. He already has ice. I think he is about to get attacked, because the girl left so quickly. No attack happens though. I wonder why she left in a hurry (more on that later).

Johnnie gets a call from his boss. He needs to pickup some data. In his head. Did he get the upgrade? No. Lied to his boss. He is a bad employee.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Godzilla vs Kong (2021)

Bully on bully violence

The epic next chapter in the cinematic Monsterverse pits two of the greatest icons in motion picture history against each other–the fearsome Godzilla and the mighty Kong–with humanity caught in the balance. – IMDB

I saw Kong: Skull Island, but I did not see Godzilla or Godzilla: King of the Monsters (probably an honorary title). Hopefully my ignorance won’t ruin what I am sure is a perfectly orchestrated story. Kong wakes up on his island and does his morning exercises, talks to a deaf mute girl, and then throws a tree at the sky breaking through it. Apparently Kong is living in The Truman Show, and for some reason the humans have built a giant dome over an entire island. 

Godzilla then attacks some research facility. For what reason? We don’t know, but probably just out of spite. Like a bully would. Millie Bobby Brown’s character now goes on a side quest to figure out why Godzilla appears to be more of a monster on the inside than on the outside. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Blade Runner (1982)

Blade Runner

IMDB’s Description:

A blade runner must pursue and terminate four replicants who stole a ship in space, and have returned to Earth to find their creator.

The movie says it is Los Angeles, November 2019. I guess LA has become a massive hellscape of gasoline refineries and endless rain.  Now we are treated to a cautionary tale of the pointless and sometimes dangerous field of amateur psychology. What is the purpose of dictating to a person the torturing of an animal? The subject, who obviously has deep rooted maternal issues, then justifiably lashes out due to the bumbling of the administrator. He clearly needs the assistance of an actual licensed professional. 

Now we are introduced to Deckard (Harrison Ford). He is a retired cop assassin (as if there is any other kind). He doesn’t even get five minutes looking through the want ads before another cop shows up and drags him back into the station. I guess the chief wants him back, and he literally has no choice. 

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