Jack’s Bad Movies: Spectral (2016)

IMDB’s description:

A sci-fi/thriller story centered on a special-ops team that is dispatched to fight supernatural beings.

Nettflix’s description:

When an otherworldly force wreaks havoc on a war-torn European city, an engineer teams up with an elite Special Ops unit to stop it.

This movie opens with a special ops team clearing a bombed out building in some Eastern European country (Moldova). They find a few bodies, and then one of them separates from the group (like all good special ops teams, they fight alone). He is wearing special goggles and there is some anomaly on his display. This thing promptly kills him.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Captain America (1990)

IMDB’s description:

Frozen in the ice for decades, Captain America is freed to battle against arch-criminal, The Red Skull.

The movie opens in 1936 in Italy. We are watching a private piano recital which no one is enjoying. Then some soldiers (Nazis?) bust in and take the boy playing the piano, they want him for his superior intelligence (their words, not mine). Then they force the boy to watch as they kill his parents right in front of him. I’m sure he is going to want to help them now.

Now we are in a place called Fortress Lorenzo, and Nazis are watching videos of a rat. Then we see the rat has been turned into a terrible red skull lizard. A lady doctor comes in (I don’t mean an OBGYN) and they are going to use their red skull process on this gifted boy of whom they just killed his parents. The lady doctor is against this. She escapes.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Colossal (2016)

IMDB’s description:

Gloria is an out-of-work party girl forced to leave her life in New York City, and move back home. When reports surface that a giant creature is destroying Seoul, she gradually comes to the realization that she is somehow connected to this phenomenon.

This movie opens in the past, two Asian (later revealed to be Korean) people are walking near a park and suddenly they encounter a massive monster. One might call it colossal in size. And then it mysteriously disappears. Jump forward to the present, Gloria (Anne Hathaway), alcoholic extraordinaire, is too much of a dead-beat drunk party girl for her boyfriend Tim (Dan Stevens), so he kicks her out. They clearly didn’t have a healthy relationship, is this because Tim is secretly a powerful psychic / telepath who doesn’t know it because of a psionic parasite that lives in his mind? We don’t know.

With no job and only one place to go, she moves back to her home town and takes up residence in a large unfurnished house. This is supposedly the house her parents own (but don’t live in). It seems clear her parents moved out of that house, since there is nothing in it, so why didn’t they sell the house? There is also the chance that Gloria lied to both the characters and the audience when she said it was her parent’s house, and she is just squatting.

While out on a mission to buy an air mattress, she comes across an old childhood friend, Oscar (Jason Sudeikis). He owns a bar (perfect for an alcoholic) and invites her to hang out. She says out all night, sleeps on a park bench, and staggers “home” the next morning through a playground. Later that day Oscar shows up and brings her a TV, and he offers her a job at the bar. Oh, and he mentions that some alien monster appeared in South Korea at precisely 8:05am that morning (their morning, not South Korea’s morning).

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Knowing (2009)

IMDB’s Description

M.I.T. professor John Koestler links a mysterious list of numbers from a time capsule to past and future disasters and sets out to prevent the ultimate catastrophe.

The movie starts with a little girl staring at the sun, hearing voices during recess. It is 1959, so maybe she is getting a jump on the 60s drug revolution. The teacher wants all the kids to write something for a time capsule. I don’t know why anyone thinks a time capsule is interesting to inhabitants of the future. Looks like she decided to show the future how smart she was by solving pi to like the 5000th place. Since the teacher didn’t let her finish her crazy number writing she runs away and hides in a cupboard and continues writing. Probably just putting REDRUM on the door. It takes two men to lower a time capsule into the ground that the lady teacher easily hoisted onto her desk a moment ago. I guess the weight of those drawings really adds up.

Meanwhile, 50 years later, Nicolas Cage is talking to his son Caleb about life in outer space. Then Caleb reveals himself to be a jerk as he decides to become a vegetarian right after his dad finishes cooking dinner. Classic Lisa Simpson move right there. Cage sends his son to bed, and after some lamenting over his poor deceased wife, Cage retires to one super shabby room to drink alcohol. Only good things can come from this.

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