Jack’s Bad Movies – Circle of Iron (1978)

IMDB Description:

A young martial artist embarks on an adventure, encountering other martial artists in battle until one day he meets an aging blind man who will show him the true meaning of martial arts and life.

The opening scroll of this movie says it was drafted by Bruce Lee, and it has some controversial views on Zen. We’ll see how much this movie relates to Zen, or how much they are simply trying to trade on Bruce Lee’s name.

The movie starts us off at a tournament, and already I feel bad for everyone in the movie. The martial arts performance is not great. Off to the side is a huge white guy with blonde hair and no shirt named Cord (Jeff Cooper). Sans a medallion, he could be Yor. Several people who apparently don’t matter lose their matches, and now it is between shirtless Cord, and Morthond. They fight for a minute or so, then Cord knocks him down and  uses that classic double fisted strike they teach every cadet at Starfleet Academy. Cord is the winner, but no, the silly judge declares he cheated and disqualifies him. Morthond is declared the winner.

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Jack’s Bad Movies – Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964)

IMDB’s description:

Stranded on Mars with only a monkey as a companion, an astronaut must figure out how to find oxygen, water, and food on the lifeless planet.

Has there every been a movie poster that was truthful?

This movie opens in space orbiting Mars. Two astronauts, Mack (Adam West) and Christopher Draper (Paul Mantee) are in orbit with a monkey. Suddenly an asteroid is on an intercept course with them. The thing about space is, it is really big, and so a minor change in course becomes pretty dramatic as you orbit a planet. Anyways, they do a couple of major maneuvers to dodge the asteroid, and they slip into a decaying orbit around Mars. NASA tells them they have to eject.

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Jack’s Bad Movies – The Wraith (1986)

IMDB’s description:

A mysterious figure suddenly appears to challenge a gang of motorhead thugs.

When cars can travel through space.

The alien from the Abyss has escaped the ocean and is terrorizing small town Arizona. Or at least that is what I think as two balls of light fly around the desert. Oh, they collided and made a car, so I guess they are transformers. Transformers and an astronaut (Wraith).

Now we cut to a man and woman driving when they suddenly are stopped by thugs and rapists (I assume grabby hands is a rapist). The ring leader wants to race for the guy’s car, and the guy doesn’t seem to have a choice. Totally unfair that the leader forcing this race gets to wear a helmet, he obviously knows racing can be dangerous. The bad guy randomly runs the poor schmuck off the road, and suddenly the race is over as he declares “the car is ours, nice and legal.” I guess they have never heard of coercion. The guy and girl are then left in the desert to walk back to wherever. At least they didn’t actually rape her.

And it’s Charlie Sheen. He rolls up on a dirt bike and asks a girl who just left her house for directions. “I’m Keri Johnson, I take rides from strangers on motorcycles.” Is what she must say in her mind, because she immediately decides to get a ride from him. Oh wait, the legally confused ring leader shows up and Keri jumps to get in his car. Keri doesn’t seem to like her jerk boyfriend though. We interrupt this movie for women putting on tanning oil… Jake (Charlie Sheen) is brand new in town, but immediately goes to the popular swimming spot to sun bathe. For a guy who rides a dirt bike with his shirt open, he doesn’t have much of a tan. A kid named Billy joins him and tells him his brother was murdered and the body never found. To this Charlie Sheen says “I’m sorry man I had no idea.” Less emotion has never been put into a consoling remark. This brother used to date Keri. I wonder if Packard murdered his brother (not really though, because it is obvious).

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