Jack’s Bad Movies: Colossal (2016)

IMDB’s description:

Gloria is an out-of-work party girl forced to leave her life in New York City, and move back home. When reports surface that a giant creature is destroying Seoul, she gradually comes to the realization that she is somehow connected to this phenomenon.

This movie opens in the past, two Asian (later revealed to be Korean) people are walking near a park and suddenly they encounter a massive monster. One might call it colossal in size. And then it mysteriously disappears. Jump forward to the present, Gloria (Anne Hathaway), alcoholic extraordinaire, is too much of a dead-beat drunk party girl for her boyfriend Tim (Dan Stevens), so he kicks her out. They clearly didn’t have a healthy relationship, is this because Tim is secretly a powerful psychic / telepath who doesn’t know it because of a psionic parasite that lives in his mind? We don’t know.

With no job and only one place to go, she moves back to her home town and takes up residence in a large unfurnished house. This is supposedly the house her parents own (but don’t live in). It seems clear her parents moved out of that house, since there is nothing in it, so why didn’t they sell the house? There is also the chance that Gloria lied to both the characters and the audience when she said it was her parent’s house, and she is just squatting.

While out on a mission to buy an air mattress, she comes across an old childhood friend, Oscar (Jason Sudeikis). He owns a bar (perfect for an alcoholic) and invites her to hang out. She says out all night, sleeps on a park bench, and staggers “home” the next morning through a playground. Later that day Oscar shows up and brings her a TV, and he offers her a job at the bar. Oh, and he mentions that some alien monster appeared in South Korea at precisely 8:05am that morning (their morning, not South Korea’s morning).

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Knowing (2009)

IMDB’s Description

M.I.T. professor John Koestler links a mysterious list of numbers from a time capsule to past and future disasters and sets out to prevent the ultimate catastrophe.

The movie starts with a little girl staring at the sun, hearing voices during recess. It is 1959, so maybe she is getting a jump on the 60s drug revolution. The teacher wants all the kids to write something for a time capsule. I don’t know why anyone thinks a time capsule is interesting to inhabitants of the future. Looks like she decided to show the future how smart she was by solving pi to like the 5000th place. Since the teacher didn’t let her finish her crazy number writing she runs away and hides in a cupboard and continues writing. Probably just putting REDRUM on the door. It takes two men to lower a time capsule into the ground that the lady teacher easily hoisted onto her desk a moment ago. I guess the weight of those drawings really adds up.

Meanwhile, 50 years later, Nicolas Cage is talking to his son Caleb about life in outer space. Then Caleb reveals himself to be a jerk as he decides to become a vegetarian right after his dad finishes cooking dinner. Classic Lisa Simpson move right there. Cage sends his son to bed, and after some lamenting over his poor deceased wife, Cage retires to one super shabby room to drink alcohol. Only good things can come from this.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Spawn (1997)

IMDB’s description:

An elite mercenary is killed, but comes back from Hell as a reluctant soldier of the Devil.

If you ever wanted to see the proceeds of Hollywood Junket promotions, look no further than those quotes.

The opening monologue is terrible.

The battle between Heaven and Hell has waged eternal, their armies fueled by souls harvested on Earth. The devil, Malebolgia, has sent a lieutenant to Earth to recruit men who will turn the world into a place of death in exchange for wealth and power, a place that will provide enough souls to complete his army and allow Armageddon to begin. All the Dark Lord needs now is a great soldier, someone who can lead his hordes to the gates of Heaven and burn them down.

The movie starts with a man busting into an air base in Hong Kong. As he enters the room he kicks a dude in the face, and then uses a suppressed weapon to shoot all the equipment and other people. I feel like a real assassin would have just led with the gun. Anyways, the assassin uses a super complicated method to blow up some people getting off a plane using magic technology and a rocket.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: The Craft (1996)

IMDB’s description:

A newcomer to a Catholic prep high school falls in with a trio of outcast teenage girls who practice witchcraft and they all soon conjure up various spells and curses against those who even slightly anger them.

The movie opens with Sarah (Robin Tunney) moving to a new city (LA) and she is immediately enrolled in Catholic Boarding School (CBS), which is never a good thing. Is there a movie anywhere that portrays kids in a Catholic school being well balanced who don’t become criminals? I think not. Three Gothic girls and Skeet Ulrich (the poor man’s Johnny Depp) also attend, along with Breckin Meyer, the kid who always play an idiot. He doesn’t disappoint. Skeet introduces himself to Sarah and says the three Goths are witches. Then they introduce themselves to Sarah. They are Bonnie (Neve Campbell), Rochelle (Rachel True), and Nancy Downs (Fairuza Balk).

The three goths really are witches who need a fourth person to complete their coven, and Sarah is a good choice because she is the only one with any actual magical powers as demonstrated by her pencil disappearing act ALA the Joker, only this time no one dies and the pencil just falls on her desk and she scoots it out of sight into her lap. Still pretty good. They take her to a Hot Topic (occult shop) and the woman there says what we already know, that Sarah is a natural born witch. Outside the shop a crazy old man (not claiming to be a scientist) with a snake harasses Sarah (he showed up earlier at Sarah’s new house) and all four girls wish him dead and then he gets hit by a car. This conspiracy to commit murder is a bonding experience and now they are friends, I guess.

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