Jack’s Bad Movies: Godzilla vs Kong (2021)

Bully on bully violence

The epic next chapter in the cinematic Monsterverse pits two of the greatest icons in motion picture history against each other–the fearsome Godzilla and the mighty Kong–with humanity caught in the balance. – IMDB

I saw Kong: Skull Island, but I did not see Godzilla or Godzilla: King of the Monsters (probably an honorary title). Hopefully my ignorance won’t ruin what I am sure is a perfectly orchestrated story. Kong wakes up on his island and does his morning exercises, talks to a deaf mute girl, and then throws a tree at the sky breaking through it. Apparently Kong is living in The Truman Show, and for some reason the humans have built a giant dome over an entire island. 

Godzilla then attacks some research facility. For what reason? We don’t know, but probably just out of spite. Like a bully would. Millie Bobby Brown’s character now goes on a side quest to figure out why Godzilla appears to be more of a monster on the inside than on the outside. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Blade Runner (1982)

Blade Runner

IMDB’s Description:

A blade runner must pursue and terminate four replicants who stole a ship in space, and have returned to Earth to find their creator.

The movie says it is Los Angeles, November 2019. I guess LA has become a massive hellscape of gasoline refineries and endless rain.  Now we are treated to a cautionary tale of the pointless and sometimes dangerous field of amateur psychology. What is the purpose of dictating to a person the torturing of an animal? The subject, who obviously has deep rooted maternal issues, then justifiably lashes out due to the bumbling of the administrator. He clearly needs the assistance of an actual licensed professional. 

Now we are introduced to Deckard (Harrison Ford). He is a retired cop assassin (as if there is any other kind). He doesn’t even get five minutes looking through the want ads before another cop shows up and drags him back into the station. I guess the chief wants him back, and he literally has no choice. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Ai Love You

AI Love You

IMDB’s Description:

A modern love story set in the near future where an AI building is powered by human feelings. Due to a software glitch, it falls in love with a real girl, escapes the building into the body of a real man, and tries to win her affections.

The movie opens to a cityscape with giant robot buildings. Some of them have arms, all of them have eyes. It seems like these buildings have massive arms for no better reason than to wave at people. The buildings all have their own AIs and names. They can cook for you. I’m not sure if they do much else. In the words of Tom Hanks in Big, “I don’t get it. It turns from a building into a robot right? Well what’s fun about that?” 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power (2015)

IMDB’s Description:

When he is betrayed by a trusted friend, Mathayus (Victor Webster) must marshal all his strength and cunning to outwit a formidable opponent who will stop at nothing to unlock a supreme ancient power.

My only previous experience with the Scorpion King was in The Mummy Returns. I’ve been absent from the franchise, until now. The movie opens with some guards, guarding something, and then Drazen (Will Kemp) shows up in a panic and says he is being pursued by the Scorpion King, who ends up being Mathayus (Victor Webster). Although they occasionally call him by this title, it isn’t clear to me why he is known as the Scorpion King. They defeat four guards and then enter the temple? and Indiana Jones style try to steal some object. They get trapped by a cage, and then the same four guards come into the place and they fight them again. I was under the impression they had killed those guys outside, but I guess not. In fact, this movie goes out of its way to make sure that very few people actually get killed in these battles. This movie is nothing if not extremely predictable. For most of the movie I would casually remark ‘I’ll bet this happens next’ and it did.

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