Jack’s Bad Movies: Black Adam (2022)

Black Adam

IMDB’s description:

Nearly 5,000 years after he was bestowed with the almighty powers of the Egyptian gods–and imprisoned just as quickly–Black Adam is freed from his earthly tomb, ready to unleash his unique form of justice on the modern world.

This movie. Maybe the movie wouldn’t have felt so long and boring if the trailer didn’t spoil most of the action scenes and if every DC movie didn’t feel like it was just rehashing what we’ve already seen in Marvel films. 

This place is Wakanda. The movie opens in the past in some generic Egypt but not Egypt looking place (Kahndaq). The king is forcing them to mine for some magic rock that only exists in this country. The goal is to create a magic crown. A young boy tries to start a revolution and is quickly captured. But then he is saved by Shazam and company and given what are essentially the same powers of Shazam/Captain Marvel. The boy becomes Dwayne Johnson. He kills the evil king and is entombed. 

This is just the trailer. Modern day, some characters are looking for the crown. They think it will help them free their city state which is being controlled by Superman’s enemies the Intergang. I don’t know why they think this demonic crown is going to be a positive for them. Adrianna Tomaz (Sarah Shahi) gets the crown and then is immediately betrayed by her friend who is secretly the head of Intergang.  She decides to recite something on a tomb and it frees Black Adam. He commences to do all the action scenes we already saw in the trailer. Black Adam is knocked out by a rocket or something. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies – Morbius (2022)

Morbius

IMDB’s description: 

Biochemist Michael Morbius tries to cure himself of a rare blood disease, but he inadvertently infects himself with a form of vampirism instead.

The movie opens with Jared Leto flying to some random cave in the Jungle and luring a bunch of bats out of it. These bats will probably inspire him to wear a costume and put fear into the people and criminals of Gotham City, as the Joker. Oh, wrong franchise. 

Travel back in time to a young Michael and his new friend “Milo,” which is what the jaded Morbius calls everyone. Some kids pick on them because they are weak and live in a hospital. Kids can be so cruel. The weirdo hospital / orphanage? director sends Michael away to school and keeps Milo for himself. 

This rare blood disease is the worst kind, because Michael grows up to be Jared Leto. A man who can suck the life out of any franchise. Maybe he is sick, maybe he just has histoplasmosis from all the bat guano. Anyways, they kill a rat for sport, and then almost kill a little girl. After that the rat comes back to life, so I guess their evil experiment is a success. 

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Johnny Mnemonic

IMDB’s description:

A data courier, literally carrying a data package inside his head, must deliver it before he dies from the burden or is killed by the Yakuza.

The year is 2021. There is a global pandemic. Called Covid…err NAS (nerve attenuation syndrome). I think this is a disease from using social media.

Johnny (Keanu Reeves) wakes up with a prostitute. She leaves to get ice. He already has ice. I think he is about to get attacked, because the girl left so quickly. No attack happens though. I wonder why she left in a hurry (more on that later).

Johnnie gets a call from his boss. He needs to pickup some data. In his head. Did he get the upgrade? No. Lied to his boss. He is a bad employee.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Godzilla vs Kong (2021)

Bully on bully violence

The epic next chapter in the cinematic Monsterverse pits two of the greatest icons in motion picture history against each other–the fearsome Godzilla and the mighty Kong–with humanity caught in the balance. – IMDB

I saw Kong: Skull Island, but I did not see Godzilla or Godzilla: King of the Monsters (probably an honorary title). Hopefully my ignorance won’t ruin what I am sure is a perfectly orchestrated story. Kong wakes up on his island and does his morning exercises, talks to a deaf mute girl, and then throws a tree at the sky breaking through it. Apparently Kong is living in The Truman Show, and for some reason the humans have built a giant dome over an entire island. 

Godzilla then attacks some research facility. For what reason? We don’t know, but probably just out of spite. Like a bully would. Millie Bobby Brown’s character now goes on a side quest to figure out why Godzilla appears to be more of a monster on the inside than on the outside. 

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