Jack’s Bad Movies: Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998)

IMDB’s description:

Marvel’s hard-boiled hero is brought to TV. He is brought back to fight the menace of Hydra after exiling himself in the Yukon since the end of the Cold War. The children of the former Hydra head, Baron Von Stucker, have taken charge of the terrorist organization. Under the lead of his vicious daughter, Viper, Hydra has seized a deadly virus and threatens the destruction of America. The covert agency SHIELD brings Fury out of retirement to fight the terrorists.

The only version of the movie I could find was in French. Full disclosure, I do not speak French. So instead of rehashing everything that happens in this movie, instead I present you with this accurate timeline based on my observations.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Generation X (1996)

Originally meant to be a TV Pilot, it was later released as a made for TV movie.

IMDB’s description:

A group of young mutants–humans with a genetic variation that gives them superpowers and makes them feared by the population at large–begin training at a school for heroes. Their studies are interrupted when they must rescue one of their number from a mad scientist who can enter others’ dreams.

Generation X

The opening text has definitions of mutants and mutation, including this:

2. The illegal genetic condition [U.S. statue 5504178], first apparent in puberty, caused by the X factor located in the pineal gland of the brain.

I guess my two questions are: how can a genetic condition be illegal? And who could have guessed the X Factor would have such a lasting impression on society?

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Jack’s Bad Movies: The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

IMDB’s description:

With the powers given by the bite of a radioactive spider, a young man fights crime as a wall-crawling superhero.

The Amazing Spider-Man

At the stroke of 10:45:00am, a doctor examining a patient suddenly walks out. Then a business man giving a presentation walks out. We see them in a car, and the business man takes out a gas mask and smoke grenade. He deliberately handles both of them in a way to make sure the audience sees exactly what he is doing. he places them in a briefcase. Then the camera zooms in on a jacket pin of a circle with two lines in it. These guys are being mind controlled in to robbing a bank, then as soon as the heist is done, they forget everything.

Now we’re in J. Jonah Jameson’s (David White) office, he is turning down Peter Parker’s (Nicholas Hammond) random photos. Probably a good call, as they are just random pictures with no stories connected to them. Jameson suspects something is up with the recent bank-robbery. And then the radio announces there is a bad guy holding the city ransom to the tune of $50 million dollars. That guy takes responsibility for the robbery. Peter says he doesn’t know anything about mind control, but he knows it is real and that it works.

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September: A Month of Bad Movies

September will feature at least four Jack’s Bad Movies (each separated by a week or so). The reason? Fanx Salt Lake Comic Convention (Sep. 8-10) has a panel titled “A Different Kind of Marvelous: The First Live Action (Made for Television) Marvel Cinematic Universe:”

Long before Iron Man and The Hulk started the Marvel Cinematic Universe on a course against Thanos, and even before Ang Lee’s Hulk, Raimi’s Spider-Man or Ben Affleck’s Daredevil, Marvel Comics struggled gloriously on screens, big and small, to bring big ideas and heroes with heart to life, subject of course to budgetary limitations and commercial breaks. In the 1970s and 1980s, Captain America, Doctor Strange, Spider-Man, The Hulk, Daredevil, and Thor all made live action appearances, often with catchy, disco infused theme songs, custom vans, feathered hair, and exciting special effects (you will believe a man can slowly scramble down a wall). Our panel will visually explore the better and lesser appreciated entries in the early Marvel television oeuvre, discuss the successes and limitations of the television films and series in context, and discuss how these enthusiastic early entries opened the door for Marvel movies in the 1990s, and ultimately to the modern MCU. Excelsior!

As it happens, I will be participating on that panel. In preparation, I’ve been watching the older Marvel related properties. Against all odds, most of these appear to be quite bad. At the suggestions of Himarm and CreationEdge, I decided to post them to coincide with the panel I’ll be participating on and spread them out over the whole month.

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