Jack’s Bad Movies: Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998)

IMDB’s description:

Marvel’s hard-boiled hero is brought to TV. He is brought back to fight the menace of Hydra after exiling himself in the Yukon since the end of the Cold War. The children of the former Hydra head, Baron Von Stucker, have taken charge of the terrorist organization. Under the lead of his vicious daughter, Viper, Hydra has seized a deadly virus and threatens the destruction of America. The covert agency SHIELD brings Fury out of retirement to fight the terrorists.

The only version of the movie I could find was in French. Full disclosure, I do not speak French. So instead of rehashing everything that happens in this movie, instead I present you with this accurate timeline based on my observations.

00:00 Movie opens.
00:28 Location: Trinity Base.
00:47 Someone is unfreezing Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker from cold storage.
02:00 – 5:00 Hydra agents invade the base and kill a bunch of the people.
05:39 Location: The Yukon.
06:01 We meet the title character, Nick Fury (David Hasselhoff), who for some reason lives in an abandoned mine which he is slowly demolishing with a pickax.
07:59 Nick meets Alexander Pierce (Neil Roberts).
09:13 Nick meets Contessa Valentina ‘Val’ de Allegro Fontaine (Lisa Rinna).
11:30 Nick is convinced to return to SHIELD and arrives at the Helicarrier.
11:35 Location: Helicarrier.
12:38 – 13:31 Nick, Alex, and Contessa wait on an elevator until Nick shoots it.
14:00 – 16:00 Nick aimless wanders around conversing with people.
16:40 Nick is given a weapon that is 100% a Sheridan PGP paintball gun.
17:30 Nick sees the Life Model Decoy of himself. It is perfect, as long as when Nick moves, he makes the sound of a 1980s hydraulic lift and you were convinced you were looking at a real person when in 1984’s Terminator when you saw a fake eye removed from an obviously prosthetic head.
19:19 Nick receives a video message from Andrea Von Strucker aka Viper.
20:05 Some talk about a deadly virus. Death’s Head Virus, says a computer display.
21:46 Location: Hydra Headquarters.
22:00 Viper is talking to her frozen father. I thought he was thawed, but I guess not.
22:30 Viper is having a teleconference with other Hydra leaders. The monitors are bizarrely oriented in portrait mode, and the text under the monitor says the location, instead of the name of the person.
24:00 Viper killed some guy tied to a chair.
25:36 Location: Berlin.
26:40 Nick and Contessa are on a stakeout in their car, they hear the classic movie sound of a suppressed weapon, and they meet up with another agent.
27:56 Now the three of them are being chased through a tunnel.
28:21 The trio run through a holographic wall and arrive in a secret base.
32:02 The woman is revealed to be a Hydra agent, possibly Viper? But I’m not sure, she poisons Nick.
33:00 – 42:00 Nick is returned to the SHIELD base and treated, then they get a message from Viper and something in the base burns up.
42:00 – 47:40 Mon Dieu! Nikola a parlé pour toujours!
48:00 Nick is flying to some made-up island.
49:30 Location: Made-up island.
50:00 Nick’s team sneaks up on a van.
51:00 Nick, flying a plane (Quinjet?) narrow avoids some missiles.
56:35 Nick and his team infiltrate a bunker.
57:10 Nick and his team somehow sense a laser trip alarm thing, and then they spray something on it which causes a large hole to open in the lasers so they can pass through it. Because that is exactly how lasers work.
59:41 Nick finds Viper and her weird bald henchmen. Viper is wearing a bizarre red coat and little else.
1:08:22 20 minutes until the virus is released, probably.
1:12:33 Contessa tries to stop the launch, but she is too late.
1:12:47 Some old decrepit guy in a wheel chair, but not apparently Von Strucker, is sucking down oxygen. Viper has decided to dress more appropriately in his presence.
1:13:00 – 1:16:30 Nick busts in, fights Viper, eventually winning. The old guy in the wheel chair tries to use Nick’s fake gun, and get electrocuted.
1:17:29 Pierce tries to stop the missile.
1:18:30 One of Nick’s team, Kate, apparently can read people’s minds and extracts the missile info from Viper.
1:21:51 The helicarrier arrives at Hydra base.
1:23:13 With seconds to spare, Viper escapes and jumps in the cyro chamber with her father and is lowered into the ground.
1:24:00 Location: Back on the Helicarrier.
1:24:30 – 1:28:00 Nick is recovering and is back with SHIELD (I presume).
1:28:55 The movie ends with Viper reunited with her super old father. They act all creepy towards each other.

A few things I missed but I’m pretty sure happen.
* At one point Nick’s LMD is sent in and is killed.
* Nick pulls a fake eye out of his eye patch and uses it as a bomb to blow open a door.
* Mind reading woman reads the mind of the guy in the wheel chair and sees a nuclear bomb being denoted in New York City. I think they found him in the van they snuck up on.

So with Captain Marvel taking place in the 1990s we can easily drop this movie into the existing canon in the MCU and everything fits nicely.

Between the events of Captain Marvel and this movie, Nick Fury changes his race, height, and build when he goes into retirement. He returns and befriends Alexander Pierce, and at some point between then and Iron-Man decides to once again become African-American. The Helicarrier gets a major upgrade in Avengers. Alexander Pierce eventually becomes head of the security council, and betrays his long time friend and mentor Nick Fury in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Von Strucker finds the fountain of youth, and loses like 50 years of age to eventually be captured and later killed in Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Bad-Movies

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