Jack’s Bad Movies: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

IMDB’s description:

After discovering a mysterious artifact buried beneath the lunar surface, mankind sets off on a quest to find its origins with help from intelligent supercomputer HAL 9000.

The movie has literally had a black screen now for 3 minutes with just music. I stopped the movie twice to make sure there wasn’t something wrong with the video (like it wasn’t streaming correctly). Also the “musical” notes are not pleasing to the ear.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: DragonLance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight (2008)

IMDB’s description

A barbarian woman with a miraculous healing staff gains the help of a group of to-be heroes as an army of dragons invades the land.

Author’s Note: As a fan of the book series, I was excited when I heard they were making an animated movie. I imagined something long the lines of Record of Lodoss War. Unfortunately, this project was given a fate worse than death, which was to be labeled “complete” and sent out to the world.

The movie starts with a little world building. The gods were good (and bad) and one tried to take over the world, but was beaten back, and then the people became arrogant and the gods smote them for it.

Now some guy is talking to a five-headed dragon about a staff and some disks and a bunch of other things. I guess he is sending this woman with bat wings to find the staff (or safeguard it). It is Verminaard and Onyx. Onyx is a black dragon in disguise. 

Seven minutes in and we finally start where the book starts. A reunion of old friends. Tanis Half-Elven (Michael Rosenbaum) meets Flints the Dwarf (Fred Tatascoire). Flint strikes me as the kind of friend who constantly insults you, i.e. not a real friend at all. Tanis shows his pointed ears for the sake of the audience, there was no reason he’d have to show his ears to long time friend Flint.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: The Punisher (1989)

IMDB’s description:

When Frank Castle’s family is murdered by criminals, he wages war on crime as a vigilante assassin known only as The Punisher.

The Punisher

Despite what the description says, this movie is not about Frank Castle and his origin story. A better description might be “Frank Castle and his one hundred and one ways to kill people while never using the same weapon twice.”

The movie opens with a mob boss being released from prison. The media is in a frenzy and ask him if he is worried about The Punisher, a vigilante who has been killing ciminals. This mob boss says no, and openly taunts The Punisher. Will he live to eat his own words? No, because he gets killed.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998)

IMDB’s description:

Marvel’s hard-boiled hero is brought to TV. He is brought back to fight the menace of Hydra after exiling himself in the Yukon since the end of the Cold War. The children of the former Hydra head, Baron Von Stucker, have taken charge of the terrorist organization. Under the lead of his vicious daughter, Viper, Hydra has seized a deadly virus and threatens the destruction of America. The covert agency SHIELD brings Fury out of retirement to fight the terrorists.

The only version of the movie I could find was in French. Full disclosure, I do not speak French. So instead of rehashing everything that happens in this movie, I present you with this accurate timeline based on my observations.

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