Jack’s Bad Movies: The Punisher (1989)

IMDB’s description:

When Frank Castle’s family is murdered by criminals, he wages war on crime as a vigilante assassin known only as The Punisher.

The Punisher

Despite what the description says, this movie is not about Frank Castle and his origin story. A better description might be “Frank Castle and his one hundred and one ways to kill people while never using the same weapon twice.”

The movie opens with a mob boss being released from prison. The media is in a frenzy and ask him if he is worried about The Punisher, a vigilante who has been killing ciminals. This mob boss says no, and openly taunts The Punisher. Will he live to eat his own words? No, because he gets killed.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Captain America (1990)

IMDB’s description:

Frozen in the ice for decades, Captain America is freed to battle against arch-criminal, The Red Skull.

The movie opens in 1936 in Italy. We are watching a private piano recital which no one is enjoying. Then some soldiers (Nazis?) bust in and take the boy playing the piano, they want him for his superior intelligence (their words, not mine). Then they force the boy to watch as they kill his parents right in front of him. I’m sure he is going to want to help them now.

Now we are in a place called Fortress Lorenzo, and Nazis are watching videos of a rat. Then we see the rat has been turned into a terrible red skull lizard. A lady doctor comes in (I don’t mean an OBGYN) and they are going to use their red skull process on this gifted boy of whom they just killed his parents. The lady doctor is against this. She escapes.

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Marvel’s Inhumans: Way better than you think.

If you’re a fan of Marvel’s television and movie productions, chances are you heard a ton of negative buzz around the cinematic IMAX premiere of Marvel’s Inhumans this summer. Having not seen the show in the theater, I waited until it made it onto the network schedule to pass judgement, and I’m glad I did. Having now watched the first three episodes, I can honestly say I’m stunned at the outpouring of criticism the show received. I can’t come up with a single reason why this show is any worse than any other comic-based property on TV at the moment.

While trying to avoid any spoilers, lets see how this show actually stacks up, and why I think you’d do yourself a disservice if you missed it.

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Jack’s Bad Movies: Spawn (1997)

IMDB’s description:

An elite mercenary is killed, but comes back from Hell as a reluctant soldier of the Devil.

If you ever wanted to see the proceeds of Hollywood Junket promotions, look no further than those quotes.

The opening monologue is terrible.

The battle between Heaven and Hell has waged eternal, their armies fueled by souls harvested on Earth. The devil, Malebolgia, has sent a lieutenant to Earth to recruit men who will turn the world into a place of death in exchange for wealth and power, a place that will provide enough souls to complete his army and allow Armageddon to begin. All the Dark Lord needs now is a great soldier, someone who can lead his hordes to the gates of Heaven and burn them down.

The movie starts with a man busting into an air base in Hong Kong. As he enters the room he kicks a dude in the face, and then uses a suppressed weapon to shoot all the equipment and other people. I feel like a real assassin would have just led with the gun. Anyways, the assassin uses a super complicated method to blow up some people getting off a plane using magic technology and a rocket.

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