The Angry Birds

This article originally appeared on 07/22/2012.

Does anyone else think the angry birds have taken things a little too far?

So we have this group of pigs who steal three eggs and own a frying pan. Presumably they wanted an omelet. What do the birds do? Do they make a measured and proportionate response? No, they go for the annihilation of the entire pig race.

It’s like the general of the birds looked down at the empty nest and said “when this war is over the only place they’ll say ‘oink’ is in Hell.” Does the theft of three eggs really justify the xenocide of the entire sus domesticus species?

We’re not even sure we’re getting all the facts in this whole affair. The pigs seem mighty industrious. They are the ones building all of the structures. We know the pigs have a history as builders, after their brief encounter with the wolf. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that pigs represent a significant percentage of the labor force. Maybe they are working under less than ideal conditions. Maybe the pigs took the three eggs as part of strike. Clearly some of the buildings are structurally unsound. Maybe they want better safety, better health insurance, better pay.

Now is kidnapping the way to get what they want? No, but can you truly fault such a desperate people? Are the birds sympathetic? No. “If one pig turns on you they all will.” That’s what the birds are teaching their chicks in school. The birds must have decided the pigs have outlived their usefulness. Maybe this has been a plan a long time in the making, and now the birds finally have the excuse they need. “They started this war” is the war chant “and we’re going to finish it.”

Things have gotten desperate for the pigs, driven to the edge of extinction they have even fled the planet trying to find safety in the stars. Is that enough for the birds? Is conquering an entire planet to their satisfaction? Nay. The birds are so hell bent on their mindless crusade of xenocide they can’t see straight at the thought of even a single pig surviving.

The perpetrators have long since been punished. Some of them were probably just following orders, trying to do the right thing. How many other species are under the lash and boot of the tyrannical birds, for whom this is merely an example? With the birds telling the story, I’m sure we’ll never know the whole truth.


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