Live Chat – Star Trek TOS “And The Children Shall Lead”

Some of the regulars of the Scifi.StackExchange main chat room (Mos Eisley) got together to enjoy (and mock) some Star Trek.
The first episode we watched was And The Children Shall Lead, which is considered one of the worst episodes from the original series.

Star Trek TOS – And The Children Shall Lead.

The USS Enterprise arrives at the planet Triacus. (Stardate 5029.5)

TangoOversway: Oh! Cool! Remastered FX!

OghmaOsiris: The Ship is with updated graphics, right?

TangoOversway: Yes, all space shots are remastered. And cool 70s jumpsuits — before the 70s!

They arrive on the planet’s surface to discover the people are dead and dying.

Jack B Nimble: I would have committed suicide if I’d been wearing those clothes too.

Keen: Why doesn’t the Federation ever establish colonies on planets with plants?

OghmaOsiris: I like that people of the future kept the cool Mod look

Keen: Week in week out, rock planets.

Professor Starnes delivers several mad ravings before succombing to madness (of the space variety?).

OghmaOsiris: WATCH OUT FOR THE GUY IN PINK Nurses of the future will kill ya

Jack B Nimble: Kirk’s bad acting killed him.

Keen: Do people serve in the Federation so they don’t have to wear those terrible jumpsuits?

OghmaOsiris: They sign up and put their name in for a lottery. The ones with bad luck get the red shirts. Another clown school drop out

Spock attempts to take readings from the planet.

Jack B Nimble: This planet gets terrible reception

Keen: Hit the TV, that’ll fix it!

To the surprise of the crew, all of the children are alive and unaffected by whatever travesty occured here.

OghmaOsiris: Play with us….forever and ever!

Keen: Kirk is not amused by your playtime shenanigans

Jack B Nimble: Some of those kids look a little old to be playing ring around the rosy

Keen: Space children are stunted developmentally.

TangoOversway: Kirk is upset because he feels the shenanigans are his privilege.

The opening credits.

Jack B Nimble: Did I just hear a split infinitive?

TangoOversway: Oh, remastered theme song, too!

OghmaOsiris: HA! I actually laughed when I heard the theme music start to play lol What happened to the Theramin?

The Enterprise crew buries the dead.

Jack B Nimble: Lining up the tomb stones with the mounds would have been too hard.

Keen: Looks like they turned everyone into tiny piles of dirt.

OghmaOsiris: Why wouldn’t they bury their people back on earth?

Keen: Did they steal the dehydrating weapon from Batman?

The children continue to display no remorse for death of their parents. McCoy speculates they are suffering from amnesia due to the tramatic event.

OghmaOsiris: Children these days No respect, I tells ya

Keen: In the 2100’s, we kids respected our elders!

OghmaOsiris: Damnit Jim!

Keen: We also starved to death when our parents died and left us behind….

Jack B Nimble: I forget, is McCoy a medical doctor or a phychiatrist?

OghmaOsiris: I like how a “Doctor” in the future meant an expert in every medical field ever

Keen: Haha, what the hell kind of flag is that?!

Kirk starts to feel anxiety after entering the cave.

OghmaOsiris: “Someone messed with my presets…” “MCCOY!!!”

Keen: Kirk’s going to start dancing….

OghmaOsiris: The LSD is kicking in

TangoOversway: I’m getting a feeling of anxiety from the writing in this place.

Spock continues to scan the cave to try and determine the source of the anxiety.

OghmaOsiris: Silly humans.

Jack B Nimble: It must have been convenient for the tv crew to have Spock carrying around a DAT tape during all the filming.

The children have been brought aboard the Enterprise. Nurse Chapel offers to give the children ice cream.

Keen: Does that girl have flowers pinned to her dress? I guess the tailors were also high in the 60’s.

TangoOversway: That wasn’t a computer lady. It’s Nurse Chapel. And she was married to Gene Roddenberry at the time.

Keen: Exactly, she was the computer in later Treks.

OghmaOsiris: You mean the voice of the computer? And Luxuiana Troi

TangoOversway: Oh, the voice work. She was the computer in this series, too.

Jack B Nimble: After serving with Captain Kirk she requested to be turned into a mindless computer.

OghmaOsiris: Dr. Sung helped.

They (the children obviously) are treated to ice cream while the crew tries to figure out what happened.

OghmaOsiris: So there WERE replicators in TOS

Keen: And spanking them didn’t calm them down, Jim!

OghmaOsiris: Now he’s a pediatrician…

Jack B Nimble: The drugs seem to be working though.

OghmaOsiris: “God I hate kids…” Kirk sleeps with her in 3…2…

Keen: The computer lady made a terrible mistake when she fed all the kids only ice cream. Good luck keeping the kids calm now.

OghmaOsiris: This episode is like a Benneton ad…

Keen: On the other hand, being able to just eat ice cream for meals is another sign that the Federation is a utopia.

Jack B Nimble: Without gaining any weight.

Kirk questions the oldest boy (Tommy) about the cave and death of his father. Tommy talks back to Captain Kirk.

Keen: Kirk’s never going to get the truth out of this ginger.

Jack B Nimble: Lousy redhead is a trouble maker.

OghmaOsiris: Ginger on the loose

After the adults leave, the children gather in a circle and begin to chant.

Jack B Nimble: Oh I see, they are a coven of witches.

OghmaOsiris: Light as a feather stiff as a board….light as a feather stiff as a board…

Gorgon, a shimmering figure, appears as a result of the chanting. He tells the children no one will tell them where to go or what to do anymore.

Keen: So the villain [of] this episode is Bloody Mary? Err, I guess it’s evil Pavarotti.

OghmaOsiris: Chef Boyardee! Is he wearing a couch?

Keen: “no one will tell us where to go” except me…

Jack B Nimble: The writers were only able to come up with two descriptive nouns. Friends and enemies.

Keen: Sounds like the kids joined a cult.

Jack B Nimble: The friends of our enemies are not in fact friends but enemies of the friends which we think are our enemies while also not being friends.

On the bridge of the Enterprise. Sulu: “Maintaining standard orbit, Captain.”

OghmaOsiris: Oh myyyyyyyy

Keen: Finally we get to see the bridge crew! Chekov, say ‘nuclear wessels’! He didn’t associate it with that godawful purple jumpsuit?

OghmaOsiris: I swear, when I watched the TOS movies, they made EVERY possible excuse to make Chekov say wessles

The bridge crew examines some of Professor Starnes’ tapes. “I’ve felt a certain growing feeling of uneasiness.”

Keen: I think that’s a clear sign of a mentally imbalanced person.

Jack B Nimble: He should be most uneasy about his outfit.

TangoOversway: Glad I have the Writer’s Guide to show he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Is that pink, puse, or purple? (His outfit, that is.)

OghmaOsiris: Muave

Jack B Nimble: TangoOversway, The answer is “yes.”

Keen: In all these videos he’s standing in front of the sky or rocks. Did they not have housing?

Tommy suddenly appears on the bridge. “Captain, after we leave here, can you take us to Marcos Twelve?”

Jack B Nimble: Here comes fists of fury.

OghmaOsiris: rock paper scissors, shoot! GINGER

Keen: Did…did that ginger just [obscene gesture] away the scientist’s video…

OghmaOsiris: So, what does Spock…do?

Keen: Make Sulu say ‘Oh my’.

OghmaOsiris: I know he’s science officer, but it seems that McCoy is doing all the science

Jack B Nimble: As with every military vessel, children are allowed to roam around care free.

Jack B Nimble: Even on the bridge.

Keen: Worked for Wesley on the Enterprise D. Wait, no it didn’t. It proved to be a terrible idea.

More children appear on the bridge and through a series of hand gestures are able to hyponotize most of the crew. Sulu causes the Enterprise to break orbit.

Jack B Nimble: Sulu is stoned at work again.

Keen: That ginger’s making obscene gestures again.

Jack B Nimble: These are the children of the corn.

OghmaOsiris: And, all the other crew who are watching what the kids are doing just stand there, lol

Jack B Nimble: Hopefully Spock will jetison them into space.

Keen: It’s the only logical thing to do.

Down in Engineering another kid influences the crew. Mister Scott walks in and discovers the ship has left orbit.

OghmaOsiris: Red shirts.

OghmaOsiris: Death in 3….2….

Keen: Red shirt on red shirt violence! NO ONE WINS.

Keen: Oh man, Scotty put the smack down on that red shirt. I was hoping for an insta-kill. šŸ™

OghmaOsiris: I like that hitting someone in the back knocks them out

Keen: When you can do that, who needs a Vulcan Neck Pinch?

TangoOversway: Because when they use a neck-pinch, it’s non-violent and Vulcans are pacifists.

In Kirk’s quarters Kirk, Spock, and McCoy continue to review the professor’s log. “I’m being influenced to do things that do not make sense.”

OghmaOsiris: Was the music part of the record?

Keen: Spock’s got quite the mancrush on that guy.

TangoOversway: Whatever overwhelmed them was probably the bad writing.

Keen: Spock was practically shaming Kirk into being a better scientist. Now McCoy’s an anthropologist.

TangoOversway: It’s a slash thing. And McCoy leaves like a hurt puppy with his tail between his legs.

Kirk orders two red shirts to beam down to the planet, a planet to which the Enterprise is no longer in orbit.

Keen: Yup, Kirk just offed two red shirts by spacing them.

Jack B Nimble: Transport them into space!

TangoOversway: What’s weird is the transporter room wasn’t always purple.

Keen: TangoOversway, It’s another sign that everyone’s high.

OghmaOsiris: Dead and they didn’t even get a moving part

Jack B Nimble: Transporter operator “We don’t need to initiate a beam before energizing. Energize away!”

TangoOversway: They’re not dead — they haven’t been in space even 25 seconds.

Keen: I was hoping they’d show the two dead guys out in space when Spock turned on the viewscreen.

TangoOversway: Quick, Spock! Beam them back aboard!

OghmaOsiris: So… the computer didn’t tell them that there was no planet for them to beam down to?

TangoOversway: The Angel kept them from seeing it.

Keen: They’re red shirts, you can only allot so much time trying to save them.

Back on the bridge Gorgon appears to everyone.

OghmaOsiris: Witches!

TangoOversway: OghmaOsiris, don’t give them that much credit!

Keen: Who you gonna call?

OghmaOsiris: Couch Boyardee is back!

Jack B Nimble: I say they self destruct the ship and call it a day.

Keen: It’s the only way to be sure.

OghmaOsiris: Make them take the Kobiashi Maru 8 year olds obviously know how to pilot a ship

Sulu (and others) are hypnotized and begin to see some of their fears.

Keen: No, not the space swords! Noooooo

Jack B Nimble: Our ship is no match for giant swords.

OghmaOsiris: A fencer’s worst nightmare!

Ohura sees herself aging in a mirror.

OghmaOsiris: MY hAir

Keen: Where did that mirror come from?!

Jack B Nimble: Ohura is so vain, to have a mirror right at her station

OghmaOsiris: And they were worried about having a woman on the bridge…

TangoOversway: And it could have been done so much better — no mirror until the kids do their stuff. Notice there’s no mirror in the shot where Kirk is there. Just in the close up.

Keen: This entire episode could have ended in 5 minutes if Kirk had simply spanked the evil out of all the kids.

OghmaOsiris: No belts in the future.

Kirk struggles with Sulu in an effort to return the ship to the planet.

Keen: Why don’t they mind control Kirk?

Jack B Nimble: Were those swords digitally remastered?

OghmaOsiris: Seriously, why doesn’t Sulu figure out that flying swords in space isn’t that scary?

Keen: He’s got a crippling case of space-swordphobia.

TangoOversway: Because Kirk is just so awesome you can’t mind control him. Oh, wait.

Kirk attempts to confront Tommy.

Jack B Nimble: Why doesn’t he punch the redhead in the face?

Keen: Kirk, just backhand the ginger.

OghmaOsiris: Right in the nads.

Keen: Kirk’s really got to go to the bathroom. Excellent, this is Shatner’s time to AAAACCCCTTT!

KIRK “I’m losing command. I’m losing the Enterprise. The ship is sailing on and on. I’m alone. Alone. Alone. I’m losing command.”

OghmaOsiris: I love you Spock.

Jack B Nimble: Kirk’s mind and ego is so fragile. It’s just sad.

Keen: He stops hugging Spock as he ‘regains command’.

Jack B Nimble: Forever lost? In Space? That is the wrong TV show Scotty

OghmaOsiris: Scotty looked better fat with a stache lol

Kirk attempts to reestablish control of the bridge.

OghmaOsiris: Kill the children! Especially the ginger!

Jack B Nimble: I was in favor of killing the children from the moment I saw them.


OghmaOsiris: These boots are made for walking.

Keen: It’s a shame this is a space ship and not a democracy.

TangoOversway: Idiot ginger. Horizontal stripes make you look fat — oh, wait, he’s beanpole thin, he needs to look fat.

Keen: Kirk, spin the chair around, make the ginger dizzy! I’d be afraid to be seen if I dressed like couch boyardee too.

Gorgon appears. Spock plays back another recording of the people on the planet.

Keen: Evil always gets the cool clothes.

Keen: It’s a good thing all Federation officers receive top-of-the-line hand to hand combat training, or that could have been ugly.

OghmaOsiris: I’m glad Spock kept that recording on a flash drive. It really saved the situation

Keen: Muumuus still don’t look good 200 years from now.

Jack B Nimble: I guess we won’t use the giant view screen.

Life as it was on Triacus.

Keen: What the, they have a space igloo!

TangoOversway: See- there’s housing there, in the background!

Keen: How do they all live in that tiny thing?

TangoOversway: That dome, that’s barely taller than the kids, can house an entire family.

Jack B Nimble: This is a very close community

TangoOversway: They’ve used domes like that for sets in other episodes. I think they usually were above a stairway leading into the ground or something like that.

Jack B Nimble: I’m disappointed only two redshirts have died so far. But I’m also elated they were killed by Kirk.

After being reminded of their lives with their parents the children breakdown into emotional wreaks. McCoy “They’re crying, Jim. I don’t know how it happened, but it’s good to see. “

Keen: Nothing makes McCoy’s day quite like children crying.

Jack B Nimble: Thanks for your opinion “doctor.”

OghmaOsiris: Now he’s a nanny

The other episode we watched that evening was Space Seed, which Netflix incorrectly classifies as a prequel to the Wrath of Khan.
That is like saying Batman Begins is a prequel to The Dark Knight. Stay tuned (the correct frequency is 7) to your inter-webs to catch the transcript from that episode.

Here is a preview: “Khaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn!” (Not actually in that episode.)

All images pulled from TrekCore


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