The USS Enterprise arrives at the planet Triacus. (Stardate 5029.5)
TangoOversway: Oh! Cool! Remastered FX!
OghmaOsiris: The Ship is with updated graphics, right?
TangoOversway: Yes, all space shots are remastered. And cool 70s jumpsuits — before the 70s!
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They arrive on the planet’s surface to discover the people are dead and dying.
Jack B Nimble: I would have committed suicide if I’d been wearing those clothes too.
Keen: Why doesn’t the Federation ever establish colonies on planets with plants?
OghmaOsiris: I like that people of the future kept the cool Mod look
Keen: Week in week out, rock planets.
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Professor Starnes delivers several mad ravings before succombing to madness (of the space variety?).
OghmaOsiris: WATCH OUT FOR THE GUY IN PINK Nurses of the future will kill ya
Jack B Nimble: Kirk’s bad acting killed him.
Keen: Do people serve in the Federation so they don’t have to wear those terrible jumpsuits?
OghmaOsiris: They sign up and put their name in for a lottery. The ones with bad luck get the red shirts. Another clown school drop out |
Spock attempts to take readings from the planet.
Jack B Nimble: This planet gets terrible reception
Keen: Hit the TV, that’ll fix it!
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To the surprise of the crew, all of the children are alive and unaffected by whatever travesty occured here.
OghmaOsiris: Play with us….forever and ever!
Keen: Kirk is not amused by your playtime shenanigans
Jack B Nimble: Some of those kids look a little old to be playing ring around the rosy
Keen: Space children are stunted developmentally.
TangoOversway: Kirk is upset because he feels the shenanigans are his privilege.
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The opening credits.
Jack B Nimble: Did I just hear a split infinitive?
TangoOversway: Oh, remastered theme song, too!
OghmaOsiris: HA! I actually laughed when I heard the theme music start to play lol What happened to the Theramin?
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The Enterprise crew buries the dead.
Jack B Nimble: Lining up the tomb stones with the mounds would have been too hard.
Keen: Looks like they turned everyone into tiny piles of dirt.
OghmaOsiris: Why wouldn’t they bury their people back on earth?
Keen: Did they steal the dehydrating weapon from Batman?
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The children continue to display no remorse for death of their parents. McCoy speculates they are suffering from amnesia due to the tramatic event.
OghmaOsiris: Children these days No respect, I tells ya
Keen: In the 2100’s, we kids respected our elders!
OghmaOsiris: Damnit Jim!
Keen: We also starved to death when our parents died and left us behind….
Jack B Nimble: I forget, is McCoy a medical doctor or a phychiatrist?
OghmaOsiris: I like how a “Doctor” in the future meant an expert in every medical field ever
Keen: Haha, what the hell kind of flag is that?!
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Kirk starts to feel anxiety after entering the cave.
OghmaOsiris: “Someone messed with my presets…” “MCCOY!!!”
Keen: Kirk’s going to start dancing….
OghmaOsiris: The LSD is kicking in
TangoOversway: I’m getting a feeling of anxiety from the writing in this place.
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Spock continues to scan the cave to try and determine the source of the anxiety.
OghmaOsiris: Silly humans.
Jack B Nimble: It must have been convenient for the tv crew to have Spock carrying around a DAT tape during all the filming.
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The children have been brought aboard the Enterprise. Nurse Chapel offers to give the children ice cream.
Keen: Does that girl have flowers pinned to her dress? I guess the tailors were also high in the 60’s.
TangoOversway: That wasn’t a computer lady. It’s Nurse Chapel. And she was married to Gene Roddenberry at the time.
Keen: Exactly, she was the computer in later Treks.
OghmaOsiris: You mean the voice of the computer? And Luxuiana Troi
TangoOversway: Oh, the voice work. She was the computer in this series, too.
Jack B Nimble: After serving with Captain Kirk she requested to be turned into a mindless computer.
OghmaOsiris: Dr. Sung helped.
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They (the children obviously) are treated to ice cream while the crew tries to figure out what happened.
OghmaOsiris: So there WERE replicators in TOS
Keen: And spanking them didn’t calm them down, Jim!
OghmaOsiris: Now he’s a pediatrician…
Jack B Nimble: The drugs seem to be working though.
OghmaOsiris: “God I hate kids…” Kirk sleeps with her in 3…2…
Keen: The computer lady made a terrible mistake when she fed all the kids only ice cream. Good luck keeping the kids calm now.
OghmaOsiris: This episode is like a Benneton ad…
Keen: On the other hand, being able to just eat ice cream for meals is another sign that the Federation is a utopia.
Jack B Nimble: Without gaining any weight.
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Kirk questions the oldest boy (Tommy) about the cave and death of his father. Tommy talks back to Captain Kirk.
Keen: Kirk’s never going to get the truth out of this ginger.
Jack B Nimble: Lousy redhead is a trouble maker.
OghmaOsiris: Ginger on the loose
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After the adults leave, the children gather in a circle and begin to chant.
Jack B Nimble: Oh I see, they are a coven of witches.
OghmaOsiris: Light as a feather stiff as a board….light as a feather stiff as a board…
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Gorgon, a shimmering figure, appears as a result of the chanting. He tells the children no one will tell them where to go or what to do anymore.
Keen: So the villain [of] this episode is Bloody Mary? Err, I guess it’s evil Pavarotti.
OghmaOsiris: Chef Boyardee! Is he wearing a couch?
Keen: “no one will tell us where to go” except me…
Jack B Nimble: The writers were only able to come up with two descriptive nouns. Friends and enemies.
Keen: Sounds like the kids joined a cult.
Jack B Nimble: The friends of our enemies are not in fact friends but enemies of the friends which we think are our enemies while also not being friends.
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On the bridge of the Enterprise. Sulu: “Maintaining standard orbit, Captain.”
OghmaOsiris: Oh myyyyyyyy
Keen: Finally we get to see the bridge crew! Chekov, say ‘nuclear wessels’! He didn’t associate it with that godawful purple jumpsuit?
OghmaOsiris: I swear, when I watched the TOS movies, they made EVERY possible excuse to make Chekov say wessles
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The bridge crew examines some of Professor Starnes’ tapes. “I’ve felt a certain growing feeling of uneasiness.”
Keen: I think that’s a clear sign of a mentally imbalanced person.
Jack B Nimble: He should be most uneasy about his outfit.
TangoOversway: Glad I have the Writer’s Guide to show he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Is that pink, puse, or purple? (His outfit, that is.)
OghmaOsiris: Muave
Jack B Nimble: TangoOversway, The answer is “yes.”
Keen: In all these videos he’s standing in front of the sky or rocks. Did they not have housing?
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Tommy suddenly appears on the bridge. “Captain, after we leave here, can you take us to Marcos Twelve?”
Jack B Nimble: Here comes fists of fury.
OghmaOsiris: rock paper scissors, shoot! GINGER
Keen: Did…did that ginger just [obscene gesture] away the scientist’s video…
OghmaOsiris: So, what does Spock…do?
Keen: Make Sulu say ‘Oh my’.
OghmaOsiris: I know he’s science officer, but it seems that McCoy is doing all the science
Jack B Nimble: As with every military vessel, children are allowed to roam around care free.
Jack B Nimble: Even on the bridge.
Keen: Worked for Wesley on the Enterprise D. Wait, no it didn’t. It proved to be a terrible idea.
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More children appear on the bridge and through a series of hand gestures are able to hyponotize most of the crew. Sulu causes the Enterprise to break orbit.
Jack B Nimble: Sulu is stoned at work again.
Keen: That ginger’s making obscene gestures again.
Jack B Nimble: These are the children of the corn.
OghmaOsiris: And, all the other crew who are watching what the kids are doing just stand there, lol
Jack B Nimble: Hopefully Spock will jetison them into space.
Keen: It’s the only logical thing to do.
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Down in Engineering another kid influences the crew. Mister Scott walks in and discovers the ship has left orbit.
OghmaOsiris: Red shirts.
OghmaOsiris: Death in 3….2….
Keen: Red shirt on red shirt violence! NO ONE WINS.
Keen: Oh man, Scotty put the smack down on that red shirt. I was hoping for an insta-kill. š
OghmaOsiris: I like that hitting someone in the back knocks them out
Keen: When you can do that, who needs a Vulcan Neck Pinch?
TangoOversway: Because when they use a neck-pinch, it’s non-violent and Vulcans are pacifists.
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In Kirk’s quarters Kirk, Spock, and McCoy continue to review the professor’s log. “I’m being influenced to do things that do not make sense.”
OghmaOsiris: Was the music part of the record?
Keen: Spock’s got quite the mancrush on that guy.
TangoOversway: Whatever overwhelmed them was probably the bad writing.
Keen: Spock was practically shaming Kirk into being a better scientist. Now McCoy’s an anthropologist.
TangoOversway: It’s a slash thing. And McCoy leaves like a hurt puppy with his tail between his legs.
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Kirk orders two red shirts to beam down to the planet, a planet to which the Enterprise is no longer in orbit.
Keen: Yup, Kirk just offed two red shirts by spacing them.
Jack B Nimble: Transport them into space!
TangoOversway: What’s weird is the transporter room wasn’t always purple.
Keen: TangoOversway, It’s another sign that everyone’s high.
OghmaOsiris: Dead and they didn’t even get a moving part
Jack B Nimble: Transporter operator “We don’t need to initiate a beam before energizing. Energize away!”
TangoOversway: They’re not dead — they haven’t been in space even 25 seconds.
Keen: I was hoping they’d show the two dead guys out in space when Spock turned on the viewscreen.
TangoOversway: Quick, Spock! Beam them back aboard!
OghmaOsiris: So… the computer didn’t tell them that there was no planet for them to beam down to?
TangoOversway: The Angel kept them from seeing it.
Keen: They’re red shirts, you can only allot so much time trying to save them.
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Back on the bridge Gorgon appears to everyone.
OghmaOsiris: Witches!
TangoOversway: OghmaOsiris, don’t give them that much credit!
Keen: Who you gonna call?
OghmaOsiris: Couch Boyardee is back!
Jack B Nimble: I say they self destruct the ship and call it a day.
Keen: It’s the only way to be sure.
OghmaOsiris: Make them take the Kobiashi Maru 8 year olds obviously know how to pilot a ship
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Sulu (and others) are hypnotized and begin to see some of their fears.
Keen: No, not the space swords! Noooooo
Jack B Nimble: Our ship is no match for giant swords.
OghmaOsiris: A fencer’s worst nightmare!
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Ohura sees herself aging in a mirror.
OghmaOsiris: MY hAir
Keen: Where did that mirror come from?!
Jack B Nimble: Ohura is so vain, to have a mirror right at her station
OghmaOsiris: And they were worried about having a woman on the bridge…
TangoOversway: And it could have been done so much better — no mirror until the kids do their stuff. Notice there’s no mirror in the shot where Kirk is there. Just in the close up.
Keen: This entire episode could have ended in 5 minutes if Kirk had simply spanked the evil out of all the kids.
OghmaOsiris: No belts in the future.
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Kirk struggles with Sulu in an effort to return the ship to the planet.
Keen: Why don’t they mind control Kirk?
Jack B Nimble: Were those swords digitally remastered?
OghmaOsiris: Seriously, why doesn’t Sulu figure out that flying swords in space isn’t that scary?
Keen: He’s got a crippling case of space-swordphobia.
TangoOversway: Because Kirk is just so awesome you can’t mind control him. Oh, wait.
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Kirk attempts to confront Tommy.
Jack B Nimble: Why doesn’t he punch the redhead in the face?
Keen: Kirk, just backhand the ginger.
OghmaOsiris: Right in the nads.
Keen: Kirk’s really got to go to the bathroom. Excellent, this is Shatner’s time to AAAACCCCTTT!
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KIRK “I’m losing command. I’m losing the Enterprise. The ship is sailing on and on. I’m alone. Alone. Alone. I’m losing command.”
OghmaOsiris: I love you Spock.
Jack B Nimble: Kirk’s mind and ego is so fragile. It’s just sad.
Keen: He stops hugging Spock as he ‘regains command’.
Jack B Nimble: Forever lost? In Space? That is the wrong TV show Scotty
OghmaOsiris: Scotty looked better fat with a stache lol
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Kirk attempts to reestablish control of the bridge.
OghmaOsiris: Kill the children! Especially the ginger!
Jack B Nimble: I was in favor of killing the children from the moment I saw them.
Keen: YES, SPACE THE CHILDREN!
OghmaOsiris: These boots are made for walking.
Keen: It’s a shame this is a space ship and not a democracy.
TangoOversway: Idiot ginger. Horizontal stripes make you look fat — oh, wait, he’s beanpole thin, he needs to look fat.
Keen: Kirk, spin the chair around, make the ginger dizzy! I’d be afraid to be seen if I dressed like couch boyardee too.
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Gorgon appears. Spock plays back another recording of the people on the planet.
Keen: Evil always gets the cool clothes.
Keen: It’s a good thing all Federation officers receive top-of-the-line hand to hand combat training, or that could have been ugly.
OghmaOsiris: I’m glad Spock kept that recording on a flash drive. It really saved the situation
Keen: Muumuus still don’t look good 200 years from now.
Jack B Nimble: I guess we won’t use the giant view screen.
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Life as it was on Triacus.
Keen: What the, they have a space igloo!
TangoOversway: See- there’s housing there, in the background!
Keen: How do they all live in that tiny thing?
TangoOversway: That dome, that’s barely taller than the kids, can house an entire family.
Jack B Nimble: This is a very close community
TangoOversway: They’ve used domes like that for sets in other episodes. I think they usually were above a stairway leading into the ground or something like that.
Jack B Nimble: I’m disappointed only two redshirts have died so far. But I’m also elated they were killed by Kirk.
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After being reminded of their lives with their parents the children breakdown into emotional wreaks. McCoy “They’re crying, Jim. I don’t know how it happened, but it’s good to see. “
Keen: Nothing makes McCoy’s day quite like children crying.
Jack B Nimble: Thanks for your opinion “doctor.”
OghmaOsiris: Now he’s a nanny
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