Jack’s Bad Movies – Morbius (2022)

IMDB’s description: 

Biochemist Michael Morbius tries to cure himself of a rare blood disease, but he inadvertently infects himself with a form of vampirism instead.

The movie opens with Jared Leto flying to some random cave in the Jungle and luring a bunch of bats out of it. These bats will probably inspire him to wear a costume and put fear into the people and criminals of Gotham City, as the Joker. Oh, wrong franchise. 

Travel back in time to a young Michael and his new friend “Milo,” which is what the jaded Morbius calls everyone. Some kids pick on them because they are weak and live in a hospital. Kids can be so cruel. The weirdo hospital / orphanage? director sends Michael away to school and keeps Milo for himself. 

This rare blood disease is the worst kind, because Michael grows up to be Jared Leto. A man who can suck the life out of any franchise. Maybe he is sick, maybe he just has histoplasmosis from all the bat guano. Anyways, they kill a rat for sport, and then almost kill a little girl. After that the rat comes back to life, so I guess their evil experiment is a success. 

Again we see the debilitating nature of this unnamed condition as “Milo” was cursed to grow up to look like Matt Smith. This disease is relentless in its torture to its victims and the audience. “Milo” is compelled to fund human trials of their secret bat blood and sets them up on a ship in international waters. I’m pretty sure Michael is building up to become Man-Bat. Oh, wrong franchise. 

While Michael is on the table the crew of this ship, which as far as I can tell is something like a dozen mercenaries and zero sailors, decide it is time to go rough up the lady doctor (Adria Arjona) (she’s just a doctor that is a lady, not an OBGYN (as far as I know)). Why are these men even on the ship? I guess so they can come in and find Michael dead on a table and elevate their “playful” sexual harassment to full on sexual harassment. 

Unsurprising to no one, Michael comes back to life (just like the rat that he is). Now I know what you are thinking. No amount of make-up in the world can make Jared Leto look worse than he does in real life. Well it’s Morbin Time (there I said it). Jared Leto looks even worse than his friend “Milo.” We are then treated to a sequence of ‘show us all of his powers’ as he goes on a blood-fueled murdering spree. 

The next morning the FBI is investigating the scene and they take the lady doctor to the hospital. Morbius hides in his lab and “Milo” comes along and finds him just as he is starting to Wolf-Out. Wrong franchise again! Morbius begs for blood, like the junkie that he is, and “Milo” realizes that the bat guano cure works. But Morbius is as selfish as he is ugly (i.e. supremely selfish) and refuses to share this life saving treatment with his “friend.” 

Morbius goes to the hospital to see his lady doctor, and while there a nurse is murdered vampire style. The FBI happens to show up at the same time and they apprehend Michael. They lock him in a cell and “Milo” comes to see him. As “Milo” leaves he reveals that he no longer needs crutches, and has taken the super solider serum. Oh, sort of the wrong franchise? 

Morbius then immediately breaks out of jail to go after “Milo” just as “Milo” attacks someone else. Now in my mind, if you know your friend is the actual murderer and you are safely behind bars. Maybe give him time to commit some more murders and you will be cleared of those charges? Oh well. Morbius finds “Milo” and they have a talk and a pseudo fight. Morbius now learns to fly using the power of sonar just like a Banshee. Dang it, I’ll never get this franchise right. 

“Milo” decides to hit the town because he loves walking without crutches and killing so much. Next, the FBI watches video of “Milo” killing people and reach the wrong conclusion, that Michael is not responsible for all of these deaths. He actually is still guilty of killing those dozen or so dudes on the ship. “Milo” has a much smaller body count at this point, but to try and fix that he decides he should kill his surrogate and the lady doctor to lure Morbius out of hiding. 

The ploy works and there is a boring fight scene and Morbius injects him with the vampire serum that kills vampires which he got from Whistler. I give up on which franchise this is. 

Lady doctor who was presumed dead and got bit by Morbius wakes up. We can only assume she has rabies and will become what could only be called ‘a lady of the night’. The post credits scene seems to have pulled Vulture out of the real franchise into this pretender.  


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